Thoughts by Kayle

Close your eyes. Inhale. Exhale. Deep breaths. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. Good. You’re good. No one is around you. It’s gonna be okay. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. Almost over. It’s almost over. Breathe. Just keep breathing. It’s over. You did it. It’s over.

Imagine having to do that at least five times a day. Social anxiety is more than a joke, it’s a disorder. One with medication, and comes along with panic attacks. Well, if you have it as severely as I do. And mix that in will OCD, life’s not exactly easy. I’m more observant than others, I have to be. What if they’re talking about me? What if they know about my mental issues? What if they know I’m younger than them? What if they think I’m not pretty? These thoughts run through my head, over and over again, with each glance from someone comes a new wave of thoughts. They don’t stop. Not at school, not at the store, not even at the library. They only stop at home, in my room, when I’m alone. Then the other thoughts begin.

Did I close the door? Did I lock the door? Did I wash my hands? Did I let the dog out? Did I close the door? Wait, I asked that already. But, did I? Did I lock it? I take pill after pill each more, and more at lunch. They don’t help. Therapy, well that helps. But the people, they don’t. If I had friends maybe they would. But they couldn’t know. They’d think I’m crazy. Well, I guess I am crazy. But what do you know? You don’t know me. But you know more than anyone else, well excluding my therapist. She knows everything, she has to. If I don’t have her then I don’t have anyone. I have to have someone. Why can’t I have someone? All I want is someone real, something real. Someone to love me, past all the thoughts. Someone to silence them. One that I know loves me. But how could anyone love me? I’m not stable enough for that. They can’t handle me on top of their lives as well. I’m too much, I come with too much. No one could ever love me.


Posted on December 26, 2016, in Student Writing. Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. Wow… that was incredible. Sometimes you just want everything stop so you can breath. I know the feeling of that just wanting someone to understand and to break that barrier. That was amazing Kayle.

  2. When I was in middle school, I started having anxiety attacks around my classmates and it scared me because it was so bad I couldn’t control it or stop it. To hide how strange I’d start acting; I’d lock myself in my school’s bathroom and just cry for hours to myself. I didn’t really have much friends because of my unconventional behavior, and I started getting bullied because all my classmates thought I was crazy. I still remember a guy who didn’t like me and thought I was “weird” telling his friend how I was a “psycho” because I was too afraid to talk to anyone and cried to myself in the school’s bathroom. Nothing ever could be normal for me because of my anxiety, which is why instead of going to regular high school. I opted to go to FLVS. I never talk about my anxiety and all the trouble I have to go through with it, because it makes me feel “abnormal” but after reading your blog comment and realizing that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I just thought I would share my experience with anxiety.

    • I’m still in middle school and I moved to FLVS in the middle of last year. I remember any activity with people would just spark this fear inside of me. I would start to shake and my voice just wouldn’t work and it was awful. I just started doing some not so good stuff in middle school which raised my anxiety to another level. And recently I started being treated for a chronic illness. We’re still not sure if that is what it is but it really scared me I just was in a bad place. It still terrifies me I’m constantly wondering what if my stomach acts up and all these things. I never told people because I already felt misunderstood and I didn’t want friends just because they felt pity on me. It’s very brave to share your story on anxiety. Its hard to even mention it sometimes. My anxiety has become so much better. It was because I trusted God for once. I remember going to FLVS my parents forced me to go to youth group at my church. I absolutely dreaded it every single Wednesday because I had no friends, people thought I was mean because I just kept quiet it was awful. People here and there would talk to me but I had been hurt and I just didn’t want to open up. Anytime, I would see someone approach me I would start shaking and I would just answer their questions by shaking my head and they never talked to me again. I would come home crying my eyes out just questioning God why He wouldn’t give me a friend and just begging Him to help. I remember one night in particular I came home and went straight to my room I fell on the floor and the tears flowing from my eyes and my head just hanging out in defeat because I felt like God wasn’t doing anything. Then, I lifted my head my tears stopped I let go of the anger and the sadness. When it was summer there wasn’t youth group every Wednesday night but even when there was I didn’t go. I don’t really remember why but I just didn’t. The first night back of the school year this girl came. She was quiet and she went to FLVS I waited a year and I had faith. Now we are really good friends. My point is that when I stopped worrying and out my faith in something bigger everything got better. I’m not saying I still don’t have my issues because I do every day. And for once my anxiety and my illness don’t define me my faith does and where I put it. 🙂

      • Samantha, that was really nice of you to share your experience. I know it can be tough to talk about anxiety to people because of the fear of being different and more dynamic than your peers That’s why I never really tell anyone I have anxiety and it’s the reason I act overwrought, silent, and frantic all the time. I just choose to let them think what they want about me and my “unconventional” behavior. Sharing your experience of anxiety at school was really brave of you. I’m too ashamed (sadly yes after 4 years I still can’t come to terms with everything) and reserved to talk about everything I had to go through in middle school with anxiety. Talking about every single bully encounter and bathroom-crying-imbroglio makes me feel uneasy, but one thing I got out of my torturous experience with middle school and social anxiety is: Sometimes people won’t understand why someone like me will act the way I do and will always use that as a upper-hand to themselves to make fun of someone like me. But their words should never bother anyone going through anxiety because if you have ever been through an anxiety attack all by yourself and you made it through it all alone. You are brave, even if nobody else knows it. Also, I’m sorry your going through serious health problems because of anxiety. I had to deal with ulcers because of my anxiety and it was not the nicest thing to be put through. I hope you feel better 🙂

  3. I don’t have anxiety, but this touched me in a way that can’t be comprehended. I have so many friends with it, and it breaks my heart when I know that they’re hurting. We all have our little flaws about us like this but it affects everyone in a way that can’t be broken down into words. Unlike my responses on the blog, I tend to have a habit of thinking of the negative side, and I get afraid that I will bother or annoy people and end up letting them down in some way. FLVS has brought me among people that really care about me, and for someone who has, and has had, many friends that go through what you do, I can assure you that it won’t be this way forever. Being with the people that will make you feel loved will be right there by your side. Just know that you’re not alone. You’re NEVER alone. No one is alone. Most people like me without anxiety get it, and will like you for who you are and not what you have. This is just an obstacle, and you are going to do great things. Everyone here is. I love your writing, thanks for sharing your feelings with us. ❤

  4. I find that I can sympathize with almost all of the comments here (I have a similar form of anxiety, Generalized Anxiety Disorder to be specific) and I just wanted to put my two cents into the conversation. In response the Charissa about the anxiety attacks, they are terrible, and I actually had one in class once (long story short everyone was okay with it and wasn’t freaked out) but do not try to fight/stop it at any point and it may sound stupid but it’s true, it just makes it worse (my doctor told me that little piece of info) the key is to just breathe and wait it out and let it take its course because its NOT going to last forever and it WILL get better.

    But in the end, the only way to get better is to seek out help, I did and I’m better because of it. It isn’t fully gone and it probably never will be, but I learned ways to cope with it and without that I would probably be in the same place I was then. Even though I was nervous at idea of seeing a therapist and talking about my feelings, you have to remember that these people are professionals and have seen cases like these a 100 times over. In fact, anxiety disorders are actually the most common! Affecting 40 million adults in the US aged 18 or older (18% of the population!) Seeking treatment is nothing to be ashamed of and anyone who says otherwise is ignorant. You will not regret it and you will be better for it. But treatment does take time, and you shouldn’t expect immediate results. But stick with it and do not give up! Your illness does not define you and you will overcome it! So I implore you Kayle, and anyone else going through these issues, please seek help. Even though I don’t have OCD I have been in your position and you can get better, you are NOT the lost cause you think yourself to be!!! You are more than your illness! You are a living, breathing person who has people who cares about them! So whatever you do, do not give up. Seek help, and I’ll say it again, you WILL be better for it. 🙂

  5. Beautiful work, Kayle! Thanks for putting this condition into words.

  6. Wow, all of your comments are very touching and definitely hit home. My social anxiety is one of the reasons I am home schooled today and I can understand all of the things all of you have been through. Thank you all for sharing your stories, and reading a part of mine. The CWC community is something I am very happy to have joined, and it is one of the best decisions I’ve made. You all are so supportive and many of you understand the things that I share in a way not many others would. Thank you for that.

  7. This is beautiful. You express yourself so genuinely. I would love to let it all out like that. Thank you for sharing your thoughts Kayle.

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