Thoughts by Kayle
Close your eyes. Inhale. Exhale. Deep breaths. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. Good. You’re good. No one is around you. It’s gonna be okay. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. Almost over. It’s almost over. Breathe. Just keep breathing. It’s over. You did it. It’s over.
Imagine having to do that at least five times a day. Social anxiety is more than a joke, it’s a disorder. One with medication, and comes along with panic attacks. Well, if you have it as severely as I do. And mix that in will OCD, life’s not exactly easy. I’m more observant than others, I have to be. What if they’re talking about me? What if they know about my mental issues? What if they know I’m younger than them? What if they think I’m not pretty? These thoughts run through my head, over and over again, with each glance from someone comes a new wave of thoughts. They don’t stop. Not at school, not at the store, not even at the library. They only stop at home, in my room, when I’m alone. Then the other thoughts begin.
Did I close the door? Did I lock the door? Did I wash my hands? Did I let the dog out? Did I close the door? Wait, I asked that already. But, did I? Did I lock it? I take pill after pill each more, and more at lunch. They don’t help. Therapy, well that helps. But the people, they don’t. If I had friends maybe they would. But they couldn’t know. They’d think I’m crazy. Well, I guess I am crazy. But what do you know? You don’t know me. But you know more than anyone else, well excluding my therapist. She knows everything, she has to. If I don’t have her then I don’t have anyone. I have to have someone. Why can’t I have someone? All I want is someone real, something real. Someone to love me, past all the thoughts. Someone to silence them. One that I know loves me. But how could anyone love me? I’m not stable enough for that. They can’t handle me on top of their lives as well. I’m too much, I come with too much. No one could ever love me.